Broadway Books, which has published my new effort, Who's Looking Out for You? wanted me to go on National Public Radio to talk about the book.Now a transcript of the Fresh Air interview with Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the hand puppet from Late Night with Conan O'Brian. I've omitted "(laughter)" annotations, since Terry Gross is laughing uncontrollably through most of it.I told them that NPR would try to smash me because along with some other major newspapers in this country, it has championed the defamation books. But I agreed to do the program called Fresh Air, hosted by a woman named Terry Gross.
For half an hour, Mrs. Gross attempted to embarrass me. Well, finally it came to this:
BEGIN VIDEOTAPEAll right, the problem here is not that interview. I should have known better. But it's that I paid for it. And so did you.O'Reilly: I came on to this program to talk about Who's Looking Out for You? And what you've done is thrown every kind of defamation you can in my face. Did you do this to Al Franken? Did you? Did you challenge him on what he said?
Terry Gross: We had a different interview.
O'Reilly: Yes. A different interview. Okay. Fine, ''fresh air''? Is this what ''fresh air'' is? I'll get a transcript of this interview -- you want me -- of the Al Franken interview. You want me to do that, and compare the two?
Gross: You're welcome to.
O'Reilly: And compare it, too? All right, why don't you tell your listeners right now? Were you as tough on Al Franken as you are on me? No. You weren't.
Gross: No, I wasn't.
O'Reilly: Okay. Why?
Gross: Well, Al Franken had written a book of political satire.
O'Reilly: Oh, he was satire now, was it? All right, calling people liars and distorting their faces on the book cover. That's satire now, is it? And my book, Who's Looking Out for You? is designed to help people to show them how they have to know how to read people in the society to succeed. Yet you're easy on Franken and you challenge me. This is NPR.
Okay? I think we all know what this is. I think we all know where you're going with this. Don't we?
Gross: Well, you could say...
O'Reilly: Yes, don't we?
Gross: You can think whatever you want to.
O'Reilly: I am. I mean, I'm evaluating this interview very closely. Obviously you are. Now we've spent now, all right, 50 minutes of me being -- defending defamation against me in every possible way, while you gave Al Franken a complete pass on his defamatory book. And if you think that's fair, Terry, then you need to get in another business. I'll tell you that right now. And I'll tell your listeners, if you have the courage to put this on the air, this is basically an unfair interview designed to try to trap me into saying something that Harper's magazine can use. And you know it. And you should be ashamed of yourself. And that is the end of this interview.
END VIDEOTAPE
The Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which funds NPR, gets a billion dollars a year in taxpayer money. Why is the government allowing a far-left outfit like NPR, which is obviously biased, to operate on taxpayer money?
Gross: Now, Triumph, I don't need to tell you ...I myself heard the Triumph interview before I learned about the O'Reilly interview, and it was still funny. But now that I know the joke ...Triumph: Yes.
Gross: ... that one of the more controversial things in the rap world is the use of the word 'bitch' all the time.
Triumph: Here we go again.
Gross: Right. Exactly. Now, it's a word you use a lot...
Triumph: Yes.
Gross: ... in the dog world.
Triumph: It's a word that has -- look, it's a word that everyone uses in the dog world. It's a bitch. A girl is a bitch. Now should a dog be offended to be called a woman? Would that be -- I don't think any dog would be offended, not even Benji. That's right. That's right. You heard me. Benji's gay. It's time people knew that.
Gross: Do you feel that you've been sexist or condescending in your treatment of female dogs ...
Triumph: Holy crap. Listen to this. Let me ask you something. I feel like I'm being bombarded here. I know what's happening here. I know what's happening here. Did you ask the same questions to Kermit the Frog?
Gross: Kermit the Frog didn't do our show.
Triumph: Did you do this ...
Gross: He didn't do our show.
Triumph: All right. Well, OK. How about when Beethoven did your show? Did you challenge him the way you're challenging me? Did you ask ...
Gross: It was a different kind of interview.
Triumph: It was a different ...
Gross: It was a different kind of interview.
Triumph: OK. Yeah, I can see what's going on here.
Gross: Beethoven's funny. No, it's different.
Triumph: Oh, is that right? It's a satire what Beethoven does. Yes, I'm just -- you know, I can't believe the government is paying for this interview. That's what I can't believe, you know? My money that could be going to Pekinese hookers is instead going to this, you know, Public Radio that's obviously more slanted than my (censored) after I've (censored) the St. Bernard. What are we talking about? That's right.
Gross: Triumph, I don't think you're being fair, and I think if you gave Public Radio a chance, you wouldn't feel that way 'cause I think Public Radio has always been fair to the dog world.
Triumph: I'm trying to give it a chance, but you keep bombarding me. You keep bombarding me. I'm evaluating this interview very closely is what I'm doing. You know, this is just 10 minutes of defamation, 70 minutes in dog years. You think it's fair, Terry? You need to get into another business. That's right. No, good. This is all going to be fodder for Harper's magazine, for Dog Fancy magazine, which I know is liberally -- there's liberal publishers of Dog Fancy. I mean, that thing is like gay porn anyway.
Gross: Well, Triumph, I really don't think you're being fair and I'm going to change the subject.
Triumph: Good, because I'm not going to walk out of this interview.
Gross: No, good.
Triumph: I'm not going to do that. I'm better than that, but I am going to take a poop right now. I'm going to poop in this studio right now.