Cho Cho Cho

Comedienne Margaret Cho is a national treasure. But I confess that it took me a while to warm to her weblog, which largely consists of very weird, very funny stream-of-consciousness rants. It can be tiring to read because it's just so wacky.

Much of what she has to say is political ...

The famous ghosts who haunt the White House gather to gossip about him in the Red Room night after night. Mary Todd Lincoln keeps opening up the windows and doors in hopes that Dubya will just fall out, which actually scares me because then Dick Cheney would be in charge and what would you rather have, Dumb or Evil? I guess I would go with Dumb, but you know, it is just a revisit to that old question, ''Is the Presidential Office half full or half empty?'' Dolly Madison wails high pitched screams in the dark corridors to upset his slumber, but of course Dubya doesn't notice. He just snores, sawing logs all night because you know he is so stupid he probably has sleep apnea and breathes through his mouth. JFK walks the ceilings, pacing back and forth, wondering whether the nation will ever be returned to itself.

... or geeky ...

I think that the good wizard needs to condition his hair more because it tends to frizz and get split ends and the bad wizard, even though he is clearly evil, has healthier hair, which at times he even over-conditions, because it is too fine and gets very flat. I want to tell him not to use shampoo AND conditioner, but rather a shampoo with conditioner in it, like a Pantene or something. Sometimes you just need to let go of the notion that you absolutely have to have a creme rinse to feel like you have completed your toilette.

Gandalf, the good wizard, my husband pointed out, has a lot of heat damage to his locks, after having gone to hell and back in the big sword battle with a fiery dragon, and so I reckoned that it is no one's fault that his hair is so dry. It is just a sad fact of his profession/fate.

... or queer ...

People have said the darndest things. It makes me really confused, yet happy.

Let's see. because I am absolutely adamant to fight for the right for same sex couples to marry, enjoy all the benefits that heterosexual couples have, because the government cannot and should not be able to tell consenting adults how and whom they would love, nor should they penalize them for doing what is natural and in the name of the Lord -- righteous -- because love is love is love is love -- because I am a woman, because I am a feminist, because I am an Asian American, because I question our current administration and their disturbing tactics, their hypocrisy, their lies, their murderous, conniving antics -- I should be fucked by pigs? I think that is such a strange penalty for an opinion that is only fair and just. I don't think that the pigs would like me that way. I haven't ever done a pig, but you just know when the other party just isn't attracted to you. I don't think that a pig or a boar for that matter would be that into me. I have tried flirting, looking a little too long in a pig's eyes, touching the pig's leg when I was talking to it, letting my hair fall over the pig's snout while laughing a sexy, snorty chuckle. Pigs just don't think I am hot.

... just plain weird ...

Michael Jackson was on "60 Minutes" being interviewed by Ed Bradley and the most shocking thing about it was Ed Bradley wears an earring! It is a tasteful and small gold hoop in his left ear, I believe, because they did seem to try to hide it, so you might think that he's sporting an earpiece. Ed surprised me with his funk.

Michael Jackson was shocking only in the fact that he is always shocking. It is becoming boring how shocking he is.

... or all of the above at once ...

Protesters, please be warned. Fans of my work are not the nicest people in the world. If you are into me, you have been through it. And if you don't know what that means, you just don't know me yet. The great fanbase I have built up over many years in the ''business'' come to see me with a lot of anticipation, and have a lot invested in what I might have to say. And they can fucking fight. They will throw down in a fucking split second, and really I don't want to see any of you protesters get hurt. Queens do not play. They will fucking kill you. Lesbians know how to throw a punch that will leave a very large bruise, and aren't opposed to kicking protesting men right in the balls. The underrepresented, unvoiced, ignored part of our population, the great many that make up the Cho Army are something you are unaware of, and pretty much the gang not to fuck with. We are the baddest motherfuckers on the block. I don't want to see you protesters get injured, emotionally or physically. I don't want to see a drag queen make you cry. Which will happen, if you actually do show up with picket signs and all your protester accessories.

... and at last I have seen the light. Her blog is way, way cooler than mine. You shouldn't even be reading this right now; you should be reading all of her archives, instead.