30 December 2004

Magickal technique

Often my readers say to me, “Jonathan, your aura of Hermetic mystery leads me to wonder what occult secrets you might reveal on your blog.” My efforts in that area have been pretty paltry, I admit. To better aid my readers' quest for eldrich power, I offer you the No Fish Spell, which I myself have only recently learned.

Yesterday I tested it, and it was successful in bringing me a taxi, so I feel that I can offer my endorsement.

Warning: this is a Secret Mystery of the Discordian school, primarily because most of the Discordians who know it have been too lazy to pass it on. It originated in the most Sacred Streets of Chinatown, somewhere very near Grant and Clay, during the sacred search for china flats for the lovely Sara, when the mostly vegetarian seekers were disturbed by apparitions of hanging chickens and putrid fish on all sides. Substituting your True Desire for the original china flats, you chant:
China flats!
China flats!
China flats!
No fish!*

Repeat as necessary, or until people look at you funny.

* The lovely frmantis, who is far better a magickian than I, did warn me that the gods can't hear negatives, and may in fact hear this spell as “china flats, china flats, china flats, fish!” and give you fish as well as your heart's desire. If you like fish, this is likely not a true hardship.

Remember to use this power only for Good.

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