Masturbation? Go for it, just wash up after. Viagra? Yep, “it is the Lord’s will that we be firm, upright, long-lasting, and steadfast.” Oral sex? Sure—Jesus gave couples personal instruction on this. (Honest, it says this!) But don't you spill the seed, ladies.
Anal sex? Oh, yeah, it's a great way to preserve a young lady's virginity. BDSM? No problem “if it is absolutely clear that outside of the bedroom, the husband is the spiritual head of the marriage,” of course. Threesomes? Well, there are conditions, not least that it's only okay with two women and one fella ...
And pornography? Bad in practice, but since the Song of Solomon is pornographic they offer guidance for would-be producers of good Christian porn:
“Due benevolence.” That sounds sweet. And call me perverted if you like, but that sounds hotter than most ordinary pornography I've run across.
- It must depict only married couples engaging in sexual acts.
- It must portray sex within the context of a Christian marriage.
- It must be instructional.
- Husband and wife must both receive their due benevolence.
- No extramarital sex, unless it is to illustrate the downfalls of adultery.
- It must be uplifting and inspirational, focusing on strengthening Christian marriage and Christian faith.
- No profanity.
Now if I could just determine whether or not this is a joke.