24 September 2006

Space marines

Codic at Everything2 has a request.
I'm not saying that movies falling into the idea of “everyone dies but Sean Connery, Sigourney Weaver, and Arnold Schwarzenegger,” is incredibly terrible. But cliché is a horrible thing, especially when you start fucking up the overly macho guy movies I need so desperately in my horribly drab life. Please, I have so little. So very little. Rekindle my hope in military training effectiveness. Show me that orders can be followed with cohesion, precision, and guile on that big movie screen. Give me beautiful wide angle panning shots of snipers effectively covering the field of fire on his forward scout teams. Give me a zoom in on the team leader's face correctly ascertaining the fire lines of potential hidden artillery bunkers. Show me coolness under pressure. I want to see flanks covered, effective room clearing, and proper use of a goddamn pulse rifle within close proximity of enemy targets. I want to see hostages rescued, aliens gutted, and beers being toasted ...
Codic goes on to instruct us on “how to properly assemble a combat insertion team.“
  1. Choose an effective team leader.
  2. Shoot the new guy in the foot before you teleport, dock, or otherwise leave the transport vessel.
  3. Have someone Cisco certified or Wedge on your team.
  4. Group hug and calm down the paranoid guy on your team before anything horrible happens.
  5. Give the medic, scientist, or any otherwise non-military squad member a gun. And make sure it's a serious-ass gun with lots of buttons and blinking things on it, too.
Codic elaborates on each of these at length, explaining why, f'rinstance, an effective team leader in a space alien attack is almost certainly going to have to be female. Having seen a lot of space alien attack movies, I have to agree that this is good advice.

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